This site will be a blog with infrequent updates on how I’m doing

December 20, 2023

cw: pregnancy loss

This is a wild experience. I am overcome at all times by symptoms that are constantly changing, which is expected, normal. It is normal (mundane) but also magical and unfathomable. Each week a pregnancy app tells me the new ways my baby is developing (incredible) while I experience things like sleeping sixteen hours a day (ridiculous) while still trying to live my life (difficult) and imagining a drastically different near-future that I have wanted for a long time (daunting-but-lucky).

I had a few miscarriages over the past few years and was beginning to believe that I wouldn’t get to have a baby. My previous losses made me very sad, and the precarity of hope felt heavy. I am still in disbelief that this is happening to me. Some part of me won’t fully believe this is real until my baby is earthside.

I am basically living in a hormonally charged dream that makes every part of life feel surreal. Whatever “pregnancy brain” is… it makes me feel like I’m a beachball floating in the middle of the ocean. I am, more so than usual, forgetful and confused and spacey: just floating. 

On that note… If you’ve shown me any grace over the past few months… THANK YOU!!! I am greatly impacted by what my body is going through and can’t seem to uphold consistency (never my strong suit anyway). I appreciate the understanding and kindness that has been shown to me while I wade through this beautiful swamp full of lotus flowers. 

January 19, 2024

Today was a special sort of day where I woke up at 6 am and shopped for bedside bassinets obsessively until I found the one I believed I needed and bought it. There is a sort of anxious fervor that comes with expecting this child that is of course unique but also doesn’t seem dissimilar from what I’ve experienced with other highly anticipated life events. I say this to remind myself that one feels anxious about doing anything they’ve never done before. It is so interesting to witness myself going through this beautiful/terrifying moment. There is so much to do and become. The lesson seems to be to lean into the trust I have of myself and the people who love me.

APRIL 6, 2024

I made this quilt for myself to have at the birth. I am excited to see what the birthing experience will be like- I anticipate being shaken to my core. I know that I will need to relinquish control and let myself be supported and cared for, so my body can do what it needs to do. However things play out I am hoping to keep the words on this quilt close to my heart.

JUNE 24, 2024

My birth story!

Please be warned that I will talk about vomit, poop, blood, shots in the spine, and surgery.

I can’t believe what I just went through!

On June 19th, around 5:30 AM, I started having contractions every 10 to 15 minutes and was slowly leaking amniotic fluid. The contractions were growing in intensity but were manageable. It felt like there was a slow and steady pace to my labor. HOWEVER… Around 12:15, while I was resting, I felt a POP and knew my water had broken. When I rushed to the bathroom to see what was happening, it was apparent that there was meconium in the fluid. For those who don’t know- that means that baby felt some stress and pooped in the womb. This is either no big deal, or an emergency situation. I yelled for Hendall to call the on-call doctor and get the hospital bags. THEN I started screaming. I’ve never made noises like this before. I can’t believe how painful this was. The doctor Hendall was talking to agreed that I should come in and then lord have mercy I screamed the whole drive to the hospital. I screamed the whole walk into the hospital and then screamed some more in the room I was ushered into. A cervical check determined I was 5cm dilated and 100% effaced. This was a great position to be in. Ideal, really. The midwife stated that my labor was happening quickly, especially for a first-timer. I was asked if I wanted an epidural, and after some conversation with Hendall (and some more screaming) I thought it would be a good idea. I didn’t want the stress of my body to stress baby out anymore, and I wasn’t getting a break between contractions. SO! I got the epidural and felt so very happy to have a moment’s rest. Over the next 5 hours I dilated to 10 cm (so fast!) and it was time to push. I liked pushing and apparently was very good at it, but baby wasn’t descending. I changed positions, was coached in all sorts of different ways, but after three hours I was told she very likely wouldn’t progress through my pelvis, so it was time to talk about a cesarean. I was visibly upset and disappointed and nervous, but also very much trusted the providers taking care of me. They started to prep the OR. Around this time the epidural started wearing off on my right side and I was feeling contractions again. After some pep talks from everyone and some vomiting, I was wheeled into the OR. I was definitely in a dissociative state. I received a spinal- more anesthesia delivered through the spine- and surgery began. Hendall held my hand and comforted me. I started vomiting, which I continued to do through the rest of the procedure. I was never in any pain but I felt all the pressure and manipulation of my insides. Apparently Thea was pretty stuck so they had to somewhat forcefully pull her out feet first- a move called a “reverse breech.” Once baby was out, Hendall went to her, and after an eternity she started crying. Hendall came over to tell me “it’s a girl,” which was so incredibly exciting to hear, but I kept vomiting. Hendall says the wildest part of the day for them was to look over at the operating table and see me with my guts pulled out of my body while I was vomiting. It was going to take a while to close me up, so Hendall went with Thea to a different room, and I spent the next however long fading in and out of lucidity. Once my body was finally ready, I was wheeled into the room where I got to meet Thea. It was love at first sight and I can’t believe how lucky I am that she’s my baby.

This is the song I sang to Thea throughout my pregnancy.

I also sang it to her when I met her.

July 10, 2024

Exactly three weeks postpartum today.

A lot has happened since Althea’s birth!

While I was in the hospital I developed chorio- an infection. I was treated with antibiotics and seemed fine. But around two days after leaving the hospital I was in agonizing pain. I thought what I was experiencing was normal… but the chorio developed into endometritis, an infection of my uterus. This is fairly common with c-sections, but I didn’t know this, and dealt with the miserable pain (like… 8 out of 10 pain…) for around a week, until a new round of antibiotics kicked in and settled things down. It was awful. Truly and deeply miserable.

Having such a difficult time initially made everything that followed feel manageable. I have been enjoying this newborn phase immensely. I’m also being rocked by profound waves of despair because of these wild, wild hormones, but I am very lucky to be supported and cared for and am doing good. Every day is somehow different yet exactly the same as the day before and I am taking it all an hour at a time while soaking up all the kindness and support shown to us.

Tonight I sat in my neighbor’s rocking chair with Thea. She was wearing a sleep sack given to us by a different neighbor. I sang to her and she fell asleep. I watched the lightning bugs as the sun was setting, everything glowed nice and pink. I watched the clouds through the willow oak leaves. The child of the neighbor who once wore the sleep sack (she is around 7 now) came outside to wander around her front yard. I thought about all the kind things that have been done for us the past several months. I don’t know what to say except that I am overjoyed to have simple moments like these and I try to not take them for granted. Sometimes there is sweetness in life.